I have been avoiding this place. I just don't know that I…

About this Entry
Posted by: Joy2U Original: 5/1/2005 12:18 AM Views: 27 Comments: 8 eProps: 12 Read Comments Post a Comment Back to Your Xanga Site

Who gave the eProps?
2 eProps from: chaotix_pi72 VonGoddess SashaD emsmama01 incrediblequirk

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I have been avoiding this place. I just don't know that I can write here...or what I'd even want to write about.

I thought I'd be able to get back on this horse and make some use of this space. The tragedy of the tsunami finally caught up with me the first part of this year. I had been avoiding knowledge of what was happening to so many irreplaceable, helpless human beings. I just couldn't bring myself to write about inconsequential things...but I'm not sure that I can write about serious things here. Somehow this doesn't seem to be the place for that. I'm thinking if I do decide to keep this place, that I'll mostly start over.

For months now I've been very silent. I hardly ever speak to anyone other than my husband and a few other people. I've gone into such an isolated/guarded place. All but one of my old school friends has vanished. Old childhood friends no longer call or be called.

For a long time school was my plan. But now I'm unsure what's going to happen. Are we moving? If so, when? Where?...It's all up in the air. And I have no place to stand.

My heart has been touched by some people online who are grieving the loss of a child or facing difficult situations. Tonight it feels the wind is squeezed out of me. I read in a blog that a wonderful woman is facing the return of ovarian cancer. I feel so nauseated. I feel angry and scared. How do we continue to make plans, lives and experience joy when life is so fragile, unpredictable, and uncontrollable? What keeps us going? How do we keep faith and hope in the process of Living? How do I come to terms with the fact that I can't make it all better for anyone?

I've been having a very anxious year. I had a wonderful experience last fall at the Dave Matthews Band concert where I felt I connected with humanity and creation. I had a moment for sure. One that felt so real. I felt I could accept life and all of its complexities. I have misplaced that experience.

I am angry that people hurt. I am angry that life is unfair. There seems to be no rhyme nor reason.

I'm not sure I should write about these feelings.

Posted 5/1/2005 12:18 AM - 27 Views - 12 eProps - 8 comments

recommend
recs0
share
email
sent0

Give eProps or Post a Comment

8 Comments

joy it is always a pleasure to hear from you. i thank you for your compliments, believe me i still struggle with my demons...school and moving was bold but really it was only in retaliation to my own inner thoughts that consistently tell me i am not smart enough, or i can't do it. moving for me is really an escape...to pick up and move on and start over. i moved so much growing up its not really that scary. its quite nice actually. would you believe that you could pick up right this very moment and move to a new state and within two years you could have all new friends, close friends! and stability, and comfort and feel like you are home. i mean, its reallly an amazing experience. everything changes, but at the most intimate level, its really all the same. school is tough, but again, my inner demons, they keep telliing me i'm not smart enough...i don't know its like sabotage...but why? why do we do that to ourselves...like you, atleast i think, it seems like we are trapped in life by our emotions, by our feelings...and as a result everything else suffers. not knowing what your feeling, or feeling bad but you don't know why, not being completely content....i don't know what it is but it sucks. anyway, i don't know what kinda rant i just went on but it felt good to write it. hope it makes sense to ya! girl, hope all is well. thanks again for writing.

Posted 5/4/2005 2:02 AM by chaotix_pi72 - reply

I heard a story about a man who lost his wife, but then went on to fulfill a speaking engagement just days after her death. He was asked how he could do such a thing in the midst of his grief. He had been told years before to look at any tragedy or abnormal event and then ask himself what he would be doing if this horrible thing hadn't happened. And that is how he lived his life, doing what he had committed to doing, even in the face of tragedy. I think that perhaps because life is so fragile, unpredictable and so unfair at times the best thing we can do, for ourselves and for our fellows, is to move forward and find the joy in every moment we can. Reaching out to someone when we feel sad or feel like we are lost is along the lines of doing whatever we would normally do if this bad thing hadn't come along and stirred things up. I'll keep you in my thoughts, Joy, and hope that you keep writing about how you feel.

Posted 5/5/2005 6:31 PM by VonGoddess - reply

What Von says is so true. I think when I feel most isolated, and that's more often now that both my parents are gone, I think to myself, how can I best honor the memory of the people who are no longer in my life? I know the answer to that so I go on and live a good life because I know that's what I would want my loved ones to do if something happened to me.

Posted 5/9/2005 10:00 PM by SashaD - reply

Hi, Ladies. :) Thank you all for responding to my emotional outpourings. When I read what I wrote, I am a little embarrassed. It is very difficult for me to share feelings of such a personal nature. I feel very inarticulate because I don't have a lot of practice.

I do agree that it honors those you love to do your best to continue onward in the best way that you can. But it has been hard for me to do that. I have great respect for people who are able to do that. I just can't seem to get over being wounded by certain life events. I realized last Fall, on what would have been my son's 10th birthday, that I'm just not as far along as I'd hoped I would be.

I think I'm just pretty terrified to let my insecurities and fears out in the open for me or anyone else to see.

Thanks again, y'all.

Posted 5/10/2005 3:44 PM by Joy2U - reply

I miss you, too. I realize this post is ancient, but I just want to say that airing these feelings is excellent for you, and it is exactly what you need to write. Writing about it is like talking about it and even better, sometimes, since no one stops you in mid sentence

I don't know why maintaining a facade - pretending that such emotions don't exist- is better than admitting you're human, after all. I just feel that living that way, reluctant to expose your inner self and without actually sharing the wonders of life with others may seem like playing it "safe," but it also means that you don't really "live." I know it's difficult to come out of the shell, but I also know that whenever I do, I get an adrenalin rush..

So yes, perhaps it's a struggle for some of us, but think of all the wonderful opportunities you're missing.. Some days you may witness tragedies, sure. But other days, you'll experience good things, happy things.. you'll meet people who will make you feel alive. You'll see things that will feed your creativity and drive you to action. Darling, 10 years is a long time to spend in fear. Let yourself feel. It's not always so painfull.

Write more. I've missed your voice. and Joy, sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense. I had exactly 5 minutes to catch up +think+ write, before M returns with BabyQuirk from their walk.

Posted 6/1/2005 11:24 AM by incrediblequirk