Joy2U's Xanga

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Sun, 01 May 2005 04:18:04 GMT

I have been avoiding this place. I just don't know that I can write here...or what I'd even want to write about.

I thought I'd be able to get back on this horse and make some use of this space. The tragedy of the tsunami finally caught up with me the first part of this year. I had been avoiding knowledge of what was happening to so many irreplaceable, helpless human beings. I just couldn't bring myself to write about inconsequential things...but I'm not sure that I can write about serious things here. Somehow this doesn't seem to be the place for that. I'm thinking if I do decide to keep this place, that I'll mostly start over.

For months now I've been very silent. I hardly ever speak to anyone other than my husband and a few other people. I've gone into such an isolated/guarded place. All but one of my old school friends has vanished. Old childhood friends no longer call or be called.

For a long time school was my plan. But now I'm unsure what's going to happen. Are we moving? If so, when? Where?...It's all up in the air. And I have no place to stand.

My heart has been touched by some people online who are grieving the loss of a child or facing difficult situations. Tonight it feels the wind is squeezed out of me. I read in a blog that a wonderful woman is facing the return of ovarian cancer. I feel so nauseated. I feel angry and scared. How do we continue to make plans, lives and experience joy when life is so fragile, unpredictable, and uncontrollable? What keeps us going? How do we keep faith and hope in the process of Living? How do I come to terms with the fact that I can't make it all better for anyone?

I've been having a very anxious year. I had a wonderful experience last fall at the Dave Matthews Band concert where I felt I connected with humanity and creation. I had a moment for sure. One that felt so real. I felt I could accept life and all of its complexities. I have misplaced that experience.

I am angry that people hurt. I am angry that life is unfair. There seems to be no rhyme nor reason.

I'm not sure I should write about these feelings.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 20:39:07 GMT

Happy New Year!

Hello, I'm still alive and well. I'm wishing everyone a wonderful year to come. I plan to begin posting again. I'll be making some changes. I'd like to begin anew...because keeping it fresh is a good thing

Monday, September 20, 2004

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 16:57:23 GMT

Ten years ago today...and I cannot seem to write about it, though I wanted to. I do not want to be sad today. I don't want to remember what hurts, but it has been on my mind for weeks. I do not even want to type the words today. I don't think that I want to think about it, but my son, you will always be missed. I wish you were here.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 18:24:52 GMT

Just a tiny update for now...

A lot of things have been needing my attention this last week. Everything is okay, kitties are slowly getting better. It seems that this virus just has to play itself out much like the human influenza virus.

I am doing much better now. I think I am regaining my perspective. My concert trip helped me a lot. A wise and beautiful woman said ".. sometimes I just need to stew in my own juices until I'm ready to take action. Perhaps you're the same way. Embrace it, babe. Just ride the wave. Really. There's no use fighting it, or getting angry with yourself because that year is over and done with. Once you are able to acknowledge it, and understand what it is that paralizes you, it will be easy to take action. And Joy, it is not a waste of time..you know why? because after a year like that, you're going to move with gusto."

Gusto.

I like that word.

I really like that word.

Mmm...it tastes good to say it.

I hope to prove you right, SweetE. I am doing some stewin' for sure and I don't know what my next move should be. But I am in desperate need of direction and resolution. I am definitely storing up some energy for action. I am looking forward to a new phase.

Above all I am conscious that life is good...or rather, I am lucky because it has been good for me. Life has been more good to me than not. I have been lucky in life in so many ways. I have love in my life. I have been blessed to see incomprehensible beauty and inspiration in simple yet magnificent things. I can be delighted for hours by the wonderment of what I see. I feel ecstasy in music that makes me literally dizzy and without fear. I am loved and I love in return so real I can feel it in my arms as if I could grasp it and in my jaws as if I could bite it. Is there something MORE than these things? Is there anything greater that I should be ever be grieved for something more?

I am lucky to be so full.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 15:02:03 GMT

It's been a hectic week. We took Squirt to the vet and we thought they would want to keep her. She hadn't eaten in a couple of days. At the vet's she weighed in at 6 lbs. I remember when she was a 10 pounder...that's been a while, but she's lost a lot of weight in the last couple of years. At her age (15 years) this virus seems to have hit her the hardest. They didn't want to keep her at the vet's. Apparently there are some really bad feline URI's going around and it seems to be somewhat widespread. They already had a few cats there.

Squirt's nose was running so badly she's developed a nasty sore on her nose. The last few days we've kept her in one of the bathrooms where we could keep it steamy to help her congestion. She's also on some nasty tuna flavored antibiotics which I can assure that she does not like. heh Yesterday she started acknowledging us again when we entered the room. There were a couple of days when she was just oblivious. After a few days of force feeding her with syringes, she is now eating some chicken baby food on her own.

Today, I'm taking new kitten, George ("Typhoid George") into the vet's. He needs his second shots and I need to ask questions. We are still trying to keep these cats as segregated as possible. The cats are getting very tired of being cooped up. Both Sam and Squirt have been having some eye goopiness. I don't know if we are wasting our energies trying to keep them separated at this point

Typhoid George

You'd better be worth all of this.

Poo is doing better. Her voice has not returned although Squirt's has for the most part. George certainly hasn't lost his voice. *yowl, yowl yowl* Can you hear him?

I am growing very weary of being the cat nurse.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 14:04:59 GMT

I had purchased the tickets to attend the Dave Matthews Band concert in Antioch, Tn. over a month ago. But there was no way to know how much stuff would be going on when it came time to leave.

For the last 3 weeks we have been dealing with sick kitties. I have been volunteering for a local animal welfare organization since February. I've been real good about keeping my feelings in check, but about 3 weeks ago, I saw a kitten that really seemed to want to go home with me. Oh, how I should have resisted!

We had been talking about getting a kitten for Sam to play with for a while. Sam is almost 2 and the 10 year old and 15 year old cat aren't very interested in playing with him. He tries so hard, but he gets rejected. Well, cute kitten comes home with me for a trial visit. He was so dehydrated and weighing under 2 pounds (well under .91 kgs). He was so dehydrated that his urine was a dark brown. We kept him separated from the other cats until we could have him tested for FIV, FLV, etc. He was negative and showed no signs of illness of any kind. So we introduced him to the other cats. Big mistake.

A bit over a week after the new kitten was out in the general population, we noticed a very bloody poop in one of the litter boxes. We didn't know who it was so we segregated them all. By Tuesday, we discovered it was the 10 year old Poo

Poo

Tueday morning we had noticed that Poo had lost her voice. I stayed awake with her all night Tuesday, and the next morning I took into the vet's. They did X-rays and thought they saw a possible obstruction. They gave her an enema. She had a horrible, horrible day. When I was finally allowed to return for her that afternoon, she was covered in poop and sicker than ever. After seeing two different vets and $500 Poo appears to be getting better. She still doesn't have her voice back, but at least she's eating like a champ.

I have to run to the vet's with Squirt (15 yr old). She appears to be the newest and perhaps sickest victim of this virus. I'll continue later.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 21:11:31 GMT

I'm leaving for Antioch, Tennesse tonight to see Dave Matthews Band. I hope it's a good show.

The last couple of weeks have been pretty intense...lots of cat health troubles. After 3 vets and $500, I think Poo is recovering from her possible intestinal obstruction/virus. We sure hope so. We really love her. The other three should be getting over their tapeworm infection. We got a new kitten and he came with worms.

I hope all is well with everyone.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 17:59:37 GMT

It's safe to say that I'm still in a funk. There are good days...good moments, but I having a tough time with myself. I just won't cooperate. The wellbutrin seems to have quit being very effective, so I've decreased my dosage for the last few days hoping to get off so I can start again. I hope that it will become effective again if I start over. I'm hoping this will work. I just don't want to increase my dosage. I'm taking a low dosage (200 mgs a day) and I'd like to keep it that way. But I'm a mess- no energy, emotional, so conflicted. I know I should try to get some help, but I'm so damn stubborn. I'm so damn determined to handle my own shit all the time.

I'm having a really hard time with guilt and anger with myself. Guilt over what, you might wonder. Just stupid stuff. Absolutely anything. I can feel guilt over feeling guilt. Mostly I feel guilty that I'm in limbo land. I don't know what to do now. I just don't know. *sigh

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Wed, 19 May 2004 18:24:37 GMT

In a funk

I'm in a funk. I just wanted to say that I'll be back soon. I'd like to write a little about it, but I have stuff that I have to do today. Basically, I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel so unsettled and unfulfilled. That's probably the root of my funk. I'll be back shortly.

Big Fish is excellent, by the way.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Sat, 08 May 2004 09:28:07 GMT

It's almost half past 5 AM, and I'm awake drinking a sad brew of half decaf coffee because I forgot to get some "real" coffee yesterday. I must admit a newly formed terrible addiction that I acquired on my last trip to New Orleans...it is to a product from the devil. But it is oh so goooood.

Why am I awake so early drinking this miserable lesser coffee you might wonder.

It's because I'm graduating in just a few hours!

I am quite nervous...I just know that I will trip on stage or sit in someone else's seat a cause a commotion.

I have no idea how I'm going to pin that ugly cap in my hair.

After today I will have the paperwork that will enable me to more authoritatively ask "Would you like fries with that?"

And yes, NOW I really can read your mind. ;)